Personal post ahead, but I think others will relate.

I started a project in 2018 titled “I’m Not Ok.” It’s been very slow going because it’s honestly very emotionally dense, as you would expect a novel by that title to be. The brunt of the words were written in the fall of 2019, when I was at a pretty dark time in my life. My anxiety was at an ALL TIME high, and I (self diagnosed) fell into depression. I blame my job (I teach 7th grade) for a lot of it, but it affected my life outside of work as well.

As you can imagine, teachers in the US aren’t sitting in a pretty position currently. I live in a current “hotspot” for COVID-19, and schools reopening (or not) is the hot topic in town. Starting remotely 100% reeks of privilege, but starting face to face comes at what cost?

Everything is changing daily. The district I work for makes a plan, we start to think in that direction, and then something changes. Be it by the state, the city, or just the district. You get so used to the monotony of things being relatively the same every year, that when it’s all up in the air, it’s hard NOT to be anxious.

But for me, the anxiety has gone so much deeper, and once again I see myself spiraling as I did last fall. I’ve started seeing a therapist, and my first full session was yesterday. I realized just how irrational my thinking is about everything, and how much I’m affecting my mental health by allowing those thoughts to constantly take over my brain. The anxiety I feel on the daily is overwhelming and exhausting – not that exhaustion = sleep though. I lay awake most nights thinking of every worst case scenario about everything.

I was writing in my journal tonight; it started as “homework” regarding challenging my anxious thoughts and considering not just the worst case scenario, but the best and most likely scenarios as well, and recognizing that my worst case scenario thoughts are irrational af. I started a new page and just wrote some thoughts and realized:

I am the main character of my novel.

The current synopsis for “I’m Not OK” is this: Life after high school is a scary place, full of dark, twisty caverns of unknowns and questions. Mariah can’t seem to see past the darkness. Instead of fighting against the world, she’s in a constant battle against her mind. How can you win in the real world when your mind keeps telling you you’ll always be a loser?

“Mariah can’t seem to see past the darkness. Instead of fighting against the world, she’s in a constant battle against her mind.” This is me. 200%. I wrote in my journal “I always joked that there were snippets of myself, but I was seriously showing myself the inner workings of my brain and that I’m not okay right now.”

In the novel, Mariah experiences “swarms” of anxiety-induced thoughts of what ifs and worst case scenarios. This is the inside of my brain on the daily. I think that realizing what’s going on is one of the biggest and hardest steps. I wrote in my journal “Yesterday’s session was hard for me because it’s the first time I faced the realization on that level. I cried a lot after. I was sad for myself.”

My novel was always about seeking help, and being able to lean onto others to hold you up when you need it. Many people still don’t understand that these mental health issues are REAL. It’s not as easy as “just stop thinking that way.” I am learning how to challenge my own thinking, and that is HARD. I have finally sought help on how to do that.

It’s crazy how writing – even a completely fictional story – can, completely unbeknownst to you, give glimpses into your own psyche. In the fall of 2018, I was mentally doing fine. This is probably why I wrote 60% of the word count in the fall of 2019, as my brain was literally processing its own issues. I was just so lost in my own mind to realize that’s what was happening.

Like my main character, I may not be okay right now, but I will be. That’s a RATIONAL thought: I will be okay.

–-read a short excerpt from “I’m Not OK” here–