Even though I haven’t blogged regularly this year, I have had a post like this on my mind for the last week or so. I feel like I’ve spent many days of my Christmas vacation thinking about everything that has happened this year, for better or worse (mostly worse). 2020 was a hard year for everyone (my therapist reminds me weekly: “it’s not just you, Danielle”).

I actually spent some time yesterday rereading my journal (which I started regularly writing in in July). I had mentioned to my therapist I was afraid to read a lot of what was in there because it was so raw. There were a lot of emotions behind those entries…MY emotions. Rather, as she said (seriously how does she know everything), it gave me a chance to look back on all the challenges I pushed through this year and the progress I’ve made.

I still have a lot of things to work through, but honestly, I am most proud of myself for taking the leap and reaching out for help, even when so many others still don’t understand why. Who saved me this year? My therapist. Who put in all the hard work to make it to this point today though? Me.

I’m proud of myself for making it to this point. I have survived every bad day and challenge that has come my way, and I need to do better at remembering that when I’m in the midst of another one.

What else am I proud of myself for this year?

-600 followers on my blog
-a successful NaNoWriMo with my students (not me LOL)
-acceptance of two big losses in the family
-the home improvement projects I did finish
-how safe I felt writing within the pages of my journal
-taking the leap and finally dyeing my hair
-a renewed love of poetry

As much as I tell myself that this year sucked and it should live in infamy (I mean it will, but), there are bright spots that will propel me into 2021, whatever it has in store for me.

Speaking of 2021, I am not the type for resolutions (I saw a meme that said they’re just a todo list for the first week of January and it’s so true), I do have a few goals that I think are achievable:

1. Continue writing daily. A journal, story, poem, novel, list. Anything. As I’ve said in so many posts, there is so much power in words on a page. Journaling has given me a chance to express feelings I’m not always comfortable sharing with others
2. Continue working to challenge the negative thoughts that pass through my mind. It’s kinda dark and twisty in there right now. I wish more people could see in there to understand. I’m just really good at the ‘fake it til ya make it’ thing. Through therapy, I will continue recognizing the cognitive distortions and put a stop to them.
3. Treat myself like I love myself. I can’t tell you how many times I counted the phrase “I hate myself” in my journal yesterday. I recognize it’s not me that I hate, but just rather how my brain processes things, but it’s probably the hardest thought to challenge. When you hate yourself, why bother to argue with the negative thoughts that swarm your mind?
4. Live in the present. The past is the past. Nothing you do will change it. Learn from it, and do what’s in your control to make today as good as it can be.

Lastly, let this be an introduction post to my new creative writing project that I am taking into the new year:

I’m writing a poetry book.

A poetry book, Danielle?

Yes, I’m writing a poetry book.

“If Your Mind Was a Mansion” – If your mind was a mansion, who would you allow to rent the rooms? Anxiety? Happiness? Depression? Each brings their own baggage and set of problems, but they also teach you more about yourself than you ever knew. You decide who rents the rooms in the mansion of your mind, so who will you let in?

2021 will be what it is. I hope to be the best me I can in every moment.

Cheers.