So often – okay, literally everyday – I find myself making the decision to not do something because I don’t think it’ll work out, I’m not good enough to do it. No one is going to like it anyway, so why bother? I’ll be honest, hitting publish on blog posts many days is a challenge, and a great post will sit in my drafts for months and months because I fear it’s not good enough.
I have a hard time feeling good about anything if I don’t get validation from it. That sounds so bad and typing it was actually harder than writing it in my journal. If I don’t get likes and comments, I should just throw it away so no one knows it bombed. I’m a failure. Why am I doing this?
I am struggling a lot right now with my mental health. I am feeling a lot of negative emotions towards myself regarding my self-worth. There have been days I question why anyone keeps me around.
This translates so much into me as a writer. I find when I really dig into the question of my purpose in life, and what do I want, it’s to write. I want to change someone’s world with my words. But as my anxiety fills my brain with “you’re not good enough” and “no one needs to hear your words,” I find it harder and harder to open a journal or Google Doc and write. My journal is private. I have barely posted to this blog since 2016. I haven’t finished a writing project since I graduated from college in 2014.
Every time I write, I have to battle the thought that no one will like it. I have to battle the idea that my worth is dependent upon other peoples’ opinions of me and my writing. It’s not. I know it’s not. But second nature for my brain is the anxiety.
I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of fighting it. I want the confidence I had growing up to just write and not give a damn what other people thought of it. I’ve always wanted to blame society for the way my brain works, but I’ve discovered it’s me. Well, not me, but the anxiety and intrusive thoughts that come with it.
I long for a day when my self-worth isn’t tied to the validation of others. I long for a day when I stop doubting myself and just push on, regardless of what everyone else thinks. I long for a day when I can just wake up happy because I’m doing what I love.
I love words. I love writing. I am going to drop the self-doubt for just two seconds and hit publish and not look back, and I hope today you push yourself to do something you’ve been struggling with for awhile too.
The Caffeinated Writer 
Thank you for your courage. Also a book that’s helped me and my self esteem has been Glennon Doyle’s Untamed. A chapter or two here and there has been revolutionary!
Thank you for sharing! And thank you for being a positive light in my comments lately 🥰
I was once told by a tutor I had at college that to be critical of your work is just proof that you care, and are on the right path. Keep writing! You are so articulate and I’m looking forward to hearing more from you 🙂
Thank you 💕 you have no idea how much your words mean to me 🥰
You’re good enough. Just write. Uninhibited, unapologetic, unconditionally you. You will find more support than critics here, I promise. The best is yet to come…if you write it down.
💕💕💕
I hear you. I really do. We fight the same neurochemistry. Like diabetes, it is a hormone, and nerve disorder. I know the anxiety, I know depression, I know the negative self talk.. I know the *;” because it was almost a “. “! I called the hotline and reached out. It saved me and changed my life.
I have been through intense cognitive behavior therapy. I learned to challenge those automatic instant thoughts. It was hard and took immense effort. Still does. Somedays are harder than others. I constantly feel not good enough. Im going to fail. Why try. Why start. Theres no way. Im the problem. Just get rid of the problem. My family would be happier without me. The scary part… your brain feels that reality is real. That is the solution. That is the only way… and you believe it.
I know the darkness. I know what it feels like.
I know the crippling anxiety. The anxiety can be worse than the depression. It isnt logical. The brain runs senerio after senerio. Worst case senerios. What ifs… your adrenaline and cortisol levels skyrocket and cause internal inflamation… again its a chemical reaction. I have spent years studying it. I understand it better now I now have the whys and how comes, but it still is an exhausting battle. So as often as I can; I push to be purposely positive. But that doesnt mean I feel that way.
Last week was tough for me. So many changes. I felt srt up for failure. It felt impossible.
I “worked” through it. Chunked it down and took a step forward. Sometime we take it one day at a time. Other times it is one breath at a time. Survive to the next deep breath. First control the breathing. Then slow the heart. Then calm the mind through grounding. What do you see. Describe what you can tough. Whatdo you smell. Etc. I am alive. Feel out of control. What is one thing you can control, my eyes. I can open and shut them just thinking about it. Then another. I can swallow.
Now I can help others go from “.” TO “;”
I am so glad we have been put together. I believe all things happen for a reason. That joy takes effort. Happiness is losing self through service to others. Selflessness.
Love is a choice more than a feeling.
This is so vulnerable and I’m so appreciative of you sharing it. Thank you 💕
Well, I, for one, really liked the post! Keep it up….
Thank you 🥰💕
Such a wonderful blog…
Thank you so much 🥰💕
You’re always welcome