Afterlife

maxresdefault.jpgMy main character is not dead.

I have no interest in this novel being an “Oh btw I’ve been dead this whole time!” story. Nothing against novels that do that of course! It’s just not what I want this one to be.

So really, my MC is in limbo.

Now I’m a pretty devout Christian and my beliefs are in Heaven and Hell. But my MC is not a Christian, and she’s also still not dead.

Maybe I’ve read too many versions of the “I visited Jesus while I was clinically dead” stories and now I’m having a hard time imagining a good way to go about this limbo thing.

Part of me imagines it as being like Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, where the MC is guided through her past, present and future and has to make the ultimate decision at the end. But I feel like

  1. That’s too ‘been there, done that’,
  2. I don’t need this section to compromise a majority of my novel, which it probably would,
  3. and I don’t really need her to make a decision or to change her life drastically. I just need her to realize some things.

These issues are why I tend to stick to contemporary, super realistic ideas. Because I have a hard time imagining things of this nature. But I’m trying to ditch my comfort zone for a little while. I’m just struggling.

Should she have a ‘limbo’ guide? Should it just be her? How does she come to these necessary realizations? Does she travel through time? Or just to different locations in the present?

I guess I should answer these questions.

I imagine it’s just her, travelling in the present, learning of the consequences of her actions. Seeing peoples’ lives fundamentally changed because of her.

See, I’m answering my own questions. These are things that blogging is good for! I’m off to attempt to write this.

In the meantime, if you have good examples of ‘limbo’ type stories/novels/poems, etc. send them my way!

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I’m Trying

This week is clearly sidestepping to a more personal tone. I will get back to writing about writing soon! And eventually finish the book I started (writing and reading lol).

 


I’m trying to be excited about Christmas this year.

0499ebeab3b91d05f0c753eb6208fcb8.jpgThe weather is great, just like when I grew up in Texas. Christmas this year in SW Virginia is forecasted to be 74° F. How great is that?

Well, some would argue it’s not. But I for one am glad I have not had to pull my winter clothes out of the closet yet!

I hate winter. I only like the snow about once a year, and ONLY if I’m not expected to venture out of my apartment.

My dog is adorable in the snow though (well she’s adorable all the time but just look!). This was the one big snowfall we got last year. I was able to hide and chill an entire bottle of wine in it!

Xena in the snow!

 

Weather aside, the biggest suck of all this year is it’s the first time I don’t get to spend Christmas with my family. We alternate holidays right now (as long as we can), so my family got Christmas last year. Brad gets his this year.

My post from Monday gives a glimpse of why I’m not super excited to spend the day with Brad’s family. Will I do my best to have a good time? ABSOLUTELY. Please don’t get the idea that I’m going to make myself have a terrible time over there!

I’m going to miss all the traditions back in Texas though. Christmas Eve with Dad’s side of the family, usually involved tamales! Christmas morning breakfast and present opening, and Christmas dinner with Mom’s side of the family. The holidays are always a huge family affair.

I’m not 100% on the plans this year. I’m just hoping we can all have a good time and do our best to hold back the resentment.

All I want for Christmas is for Brad’s family to let me feel like I’m part of them. That I don’t have to feel awkward going to grab a soda out of the fridge, or a pack of Goldfish out of the cabinet. If I can do it at my friend’s, I should be able to do this at my in-laws too!

Christmas also stresses me out because I’ve surrounded myself with some very financially stable people who like to give for Christmas. 55915678.jpgBrad is getting me a $400 gun this year (woo! Pew pew!). I’m probably getting him a video game and some jeans. Or a wallet. He doesn’t care what he gets. His list is always practical. But I feel like my gifts never stand up to his.

And maybe that’s just how it’s always going to be. Our first Christmas together (we’d been dating a month), he bought me a huge pink stuffed unicorn with a diamond necklace around its neck, and a $100 gift card to Kohl’s.

I bought him a phone case. And he loved it!

Yeah, he’s definitely a giver.

I quit my second job in October for reasons I have seriously considered calling corporate on, but I don’t care anymore. It was my extra spending money, about $300-400 a month. I had to apply to lower my student loan payments (from 298 to 65!).  I’m not in the best place financially, and I can’t go into debt buying Christmas presents. It’s how my parents got into financial trouble.

But gosh. I feel so bad only spending $20-30 a person when I know they’re spending more.

I can’t believe Christmas is next Friday. Or that the last day to ship USPS Flat Rate boxes is Monday.

So that’s where I’m at right now. I’m trying to not dread Christmas this year. It should be the happiest holiday of the year! Or maybe that’s New Year’s because it’s socially acceptable to get drunk and feel like it’s a clean slate come midnight. Who knows.


Tell me: What are you doing for Christmas this year? Are you looking forward to it?

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It’s My Birthday

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Shameless plug for myself today, because 24 years ago I was born!

Started the day off with my birthday Frappuccino from Starbucks (the only time I ever order them anymore). We have our work Christmas party at 2:00 this afternoon (I’m pretending it’s really birthday party lol). Then I get to go to the DMV! Because my DL expires and I put it off for too long, whoops! Next I’ll probably take my dog to the dog park. And then we’re off to our regular Mexican restaurant where I will drink a jumbo margarita and probably forget that I still have to work tomorrow.

But oh well. We’re super slow this week anyway. That’s what they make Ibuprofen for. 🙂

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Hope you all have as good a day as I do! ❤

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Monday Musings #2

On Rejection:

After I got engaged last year, I bought some small trinkets and these boxes at Michael’s and made gifts to ask my bridal party to be in my wedding. They looked like this:
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I made 6 total. For my 2 best friends, my 2 sisters, and my 2 future sister-in-laws.

I mailed all but the last two, because I live in the same town as my fiance’s family and I figured I would just give it to them in person.

But I kept leaving them on my kitchen table for months. Finally, we were going Christmas shopping with them yesterday and I remembered to bring them along, when my fiance let me know that they would probably say no.

“Why?” I asked him.

“Because my mom probably told them to say no.”

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Well. Let me preface this by saying that it is well within anyone’s rights to say no. I get that a primary concern of being a bridesmaid is cost (though for the sake of his sisters, they won’t be in town soon enough to join our bachelorette party, and all I ask about their dress is that it’s navy blue. They can spend however little or much they want. So I don’t think cost is an issue here) or the responsibility (but my mom and sister and best friend back home are doing just about everything. We’re getting in married in Texas. I live in Virginia right now. There’s only so much we can do from afar).

Regardless of my opinion, though, they can say no.

More than anything, my feelings are hurt because of what my future mother in law said. I’ve never felt like they don’t like me necessarily, but I don’t feel very welcome either. Brad got lucky with my family. I guess someone had to get the short straw.

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We’re probably moving to Texas next year, so this applies. (No kids though!)

I’ve never handled rejection well. Usually, if I think I’m going to be told no, I just don’t ask. It’s why I didn’t even try to join my family in Florida this summer. It’s why I didn’t use one extra vacation day to spend with my family for Thanksgiving.

Heck, while we’re reflecting on rejection, maybe it’s why I don’t do anything with my writing anymore. I think I’m afraid to let people read it. Because if it sucks, I would want them to tell me. And I can take criticism. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting just a little bit.

I got past it in college (because I mean I had to for creative writing seminars. We had a turn in every week), but it was always short stories. Bigger works that take months to finish, they’re my babies! I don’t want to be told they’re not good enough!

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Fear of rejection is one thing I never really grew out of. I’m working on it. I know though that it’s the best way to grow. To face rejection of all sorts, be it not getting spoiled with every toy you ever wanted, or being told that your writing isn’t good enough. I do believe that it shapes you as an adult, or as a writer.

Doesn’t mean I like it though.

I did not ask Brad’s sisters last night. I kept the boxes in the truck. We’re going back over next Sunday (and Christmas) so I will reevaluate my opinion and decide before then if I even want to ask. I just don’t want them to say no just because my future MIL said no. They’re both old enough to make their own decisions (at 16 and 19, I would hope so anyway).

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I’m a work in progress myself. I’ll figure it out eventually.

All I Want for Christmas is…

A new laptop.

I mean, that’s not all I want for Christmas. My list is actually pretty extensive of things I need (mostly clothes. I really need new sweaters for winter – although I’m hoping this is my last real winter…we’ll see about that), but I want to write!

(I won’t lie, I also want to be able to play The Sims again)

Right now, my laptop is a clunky Dell Inspiron that I bought the summer of 2010, right before I left for college. It’s gone through it’s share of drama, including a large-scale malware attack (perpetrated by me trying to watch episodes of ‘House’ for free on shady Internet websites) that resulted in it being completely reformatted.

It’s miraculously still alive, however it’s on its last legs. Right now, I can’t install any new software, I can’t open any Microsoft Office programs, it won’t recognize my iPhone so I can’t put new music on it (frownyface), it will not play videos, the sound doesn’t work, it has to stay plugged in or it’ll die within 5 minutes…the list goes ON AND ON.

It’s time for that computer to have a proper burial. But I need a new one first. I can write on it still (and I did during NaNo this year), but only online via Google Docs.

I can tell you what I wish I could have. Definitely on the Christmas list of my dreams, but I so bad want a Macbook. I had one in high school supplied by the school as a test to see if a “Digital Campus” could work. (Considering all the restrictions we ended up having by the time we graduated, I sincerely doubt it worked.) It’s just too bad they start over $900. Nobody is going to buy that for me. I’ll get one one day. I don’t need a Macbook to keep succeeding at writing. But someday down the road, my student loan payments won’t eat up half of my pay every month, and I can splurge on something like this.

So we’ll see. You can find a good laptop for $300 or less. The other big thing on my Christmas list costs more (possibly), but I can’t say for sure yet which one I want more at the moment.

If you have recommendations, please send them my way!

Monday Musings #1

I’m starting a new segment of my blog, titled Monday Musings, where I write about whatever is on my mind that day. Sometimes reading/writing related, sometimes not. You never know. Here is MM #1.


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You know, I started reading a book yesterday off my Goodreads list (a review will be coming soon!), and I’ll tell you — reading books just makes me want to write them so much. But never the current project(s) I’m working on. Nooooo. I always want to start something new.

I get lots of inspiration from what I read. That’s why I tend to read only the genres I enjoy writing in.

The book I’m reading is a thriller of sorts. A man gets abducted after being held up at his work. His life is thrown off schedule. It’s one of those books that makes you think about your life.

While reading this book, I started to think of my own abduction story (I have written one before. It was self-published through Createspace, and it does still exist on Amazon. But I’m not telling you anything else about it haha, because I was a senior in high school, and it’s not good). A basic plot started to form in my head. And I had to catch myself before I got too interested in it.

I already have two projects to finish, brain. Stop it. The worst thing I can do is to have so many projects going at once that I’ll never finish any of them. I’m on a schedule now. I have finish date goals for my two WIPs (see my new page!) and I need to stick to those.

It’s so hard though for me to shelve ideas like these. I’m excited about them now. How do I know if I’ll still be excited about it later? Maybe that’s the thing though. If I don’t love it as much then as I do now, was it not as much a priority as I thought?

What I’m telling myself right now is that I need to finish Cover Up. And when I can sit down and read through it, I can see once and for all if it can be salvaged at all, or if it needs to be completely redone from top to bottom. Currently, that’s what I’m thinking, but I haven’t actually reread any of it yet, so who really knows. If it needs to be redone completely, I can shelve it for awhile. Work on Where I Belong and then MAYBE pick up a new project along the way.

I guess this is all so foreign to me because ever since I graduated from college (May 2014), I took a hiatus from writing. I was reading during the summer while job hunting (I waited tables 4 nights a week. I had so much free time!), but putting my own ideas down wasn’t a priority. My major was English, dangit. I guess I just got exhausted from being forced to read and write for 4 years.

When I picked up on NaNo again this year, it was the first time I’d written since my last semester. Almost a full year and a half. Whew.

And now here I am, every idea swirling in my brain. I pick up a new book, love the plot so much that I want to write my own rendition of it, but then lose interest when another new idea comes to fruition later on.

I guess what I’m going to start doing is writing down my ideas. As much plot as I have in my brain at one time. Keeping them in a notebook full of all my other ideas. And when the time comes to really start a new one, I’ll have a book full of plotlines and characters. And I can choose which ones still get me excited about writing it.

So tell me: What do you do to keep the plot bunnies at bay?

 

NaNo ’15: Defeat

Well, I’m back from my Turkey Day vacation!

+1 wedding dress, +1 great visit with my family, but -1 NaNoWriMo win.

Damn.

I went home with my laptop and all intentions of writing while I was there. I just needed one or two good days for the entire week we were travelling. But when I tried to write in the car, I was afraid we were going to die (I’m a super paranoid passenger in a car, okay). And we immersed ourselves in the vacation. We only get one a year with Brad’s job, so I didn’t particularly want to sit at my parent’s house and not get out and take advantage of the trip. We drove a loooong way.

I’m not mad at all either (surprisingly). I almost saw it coming. That’s why I so bad wanted to be at 50,000 words before we left. When I didn’t make it, I by no means gave up on the idea, but I let myself be okay with not winning this year.

I loved the consolation email I got on Tuesday. It was motivating!

 

You might not have hit 50,000 words this month, but you did something tremendously important:

-You felt a story stirring in your heart, and you began to explore it.
-You bravely signed up to make creativity a priority in November.
-You created a beginning—a beginning that will lead to other beginnings.

My favorite was the last bullet. I created a beginning of something. Well, more than a beginning, but I digress. Sure, what I do have done will need a LOT of work, but it’s more than so many people have done. And for that, I am proud.

I plan to finish this draft this month. At the very least, I have a 2-week Christmas break from work (yay for working in education!) so it WILL get done.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue avoiding reading anything of it yet. I didn’t do any of the reading I said I would do over Thanksgiving break either, so I need to get on that.

So if you won, congratulations! If you lost, you’re in good company here. Let’s ALL promise not to let this project fall to the wayside forever.

And I promise not to let this blog fall to the wayside as well. I’m determined to continue writing, reading, and posting updates on all of it as often as I can.

 

 

Vacation!

Hate to double post, but hey. Unrelated to NaNoWriMo, so…this is okay.

I’m going on vacation!

My fiance and I are spending Thanksgiving with my family in Texas this year. We are leaving today in about 4 hours and DRIVING straight through. And we’re sticking around there until Tuesday night, when we have to leave so we can DRIVE SOME MORE.

On this 20-hour road trip, I will be attempting to catch up on my word count (which I have allowed myself to get a little behind on again), and reading some books that I’ve promised to review for some people.

I will probably at least post an update WHEN I win NaNo this year, but that’s about it.

Have a good Thanksgiving if you celebrate it, and good luck finishing your novel if you’re not finished with it yet!

                                      Danielle

A Snippet of ‘Cover Up’

As promised, I have a found probably the least terrible snippet of my current NaNoWriMo project. It’s a little long, at 1,300 words or so. It’s the least dialogue-heavy section I have right now.

This is completely unedited (except of typos), and considering the entire novel needs to be reworked from the start come editing time, you can hold any criticism for later on. 🙂 I’m just sharing to share.

For the record, I barely even read this before I posted it. Haha.

Somehow my mind was still pretty numb to my situation. As I started driving away from the lake in Bree’s truck, I found myself wondering what could happen if I got caught. That maybe I’d make the wrong choice.

I could see it now: They found her body, connected my car on the scene and the caliber of my gun to me. I’d be arrested, questioned endlessly until we went to court, where I would have to fight to prove that Bree pulled her gun first. I had no proof, aside from the markings on my body from when we fought. I reminded myself to take pictures of myself when I got back. I needed to prepare myself for a trial. Just in case. I didn’t know if I could convince a jury that I’d only been defending myself.

Then why did she hide the body? Cover up the evidence? Why didn’t she just call the police immediately and explain what happened? Even if I couldn’t convince them I was defending myself, it probably wouldn’t go down as a murder charge. Maybe manslaughter. A lesser charge, with less of a punishment.

But no, because of my cover up scheme, I made myself look guilty. I looked in my rearview mirror. Maybe I had time to go back and fix this. To set the scene right back where it started, before I covered it up.

Nope. I was in too deep. There was no going back anymore. I had to commit to this plan. To mentally move on so that I didn’t manage to give myself away to anyone who suspected me. Which I mean would hopefully be nobody, but obviously I was living in a fantasy world. Whoever reported her missing would know she was at Julie’s party last night, and Julie would tell them that she was taking me back to school.

As the last person to have knowingly seen Bree, I would be suspect number one until they could find somebody more suspicious. And I didn’t know enough about Bree’s life to know if there was anyone more suspicious that they might consider.

Regardless, I was going to get questioned. I needed to get my story straight. But first, I needed to get rid of these clothes and this truck.

I finally made my way back to campus and stopped at the first dumpster I saw. I threw my clothes away, along with Bree’s gun. I had no idea if it was registered or not, but the odds of them finding it were slim. To my knowledge, the homeless people didn’t dumpster dive on campus. I also tossed some of the trash in the back of Bree’s truck into the dumpster. There was a lot back there. Obviously, she ate on the road a lot. I got back in the truck and started driving again, this time to find a spot to park this thing for good.

I couldn’t help but wonder what exactly Bree was doing with her life now. But then I remembered that it didn’t even matter, because there was no continuation for her life anymore. Today was her version of The End.

Holy shit. It could have been mine instead. All over a dumb argument that could have been avoided had Bree just not ditched me. On that same note, however, if I had been more responsible for myself last night, I probably wouldn’t have had to rely on her in the first place. But it didn’t matter. She took it too far. She threatened my life, and I did what I had to do.

I stopped at the Walmart that was about three miles from campus. The shuttle picked up every thirty minutes, so I could hop that and get back to my dorm.

I imagined just how freaked out and angry Katie was going to be when I showed up. But I knew she’d instantly panic when she saw my beat up face. She would insist that I go get looked at. But I was fine. Physically, anyway. Emotionally I was probably pretty wrecked. But the shock had yet to wear off. It would hit me in a couple hours, I was pretty sure of it.

I parked Bree’s truck in fullest part of the parking lot, knowing that it would be full for most of the day. I didn’t need her truck to stick out like a sore thumb. Then I walked over to the door where the shuttle picked up at and waited.

I realized quickly that I must really look like shit at that moment, because of all the people to look at me judgmentally, it was semi-embarrassing to get looked at the way I did by people who were shopping at Walmart. I had nothing against people who chose to shop here. But when you saw the group of people walking through the door wearing overalls, or shorts three sizes too small, or the family with the matching mullets, and they were all judging you, that was hint number one.

I remembered I had a compact mirror in my purse, so I dug it out. It took a minute or two to find with the addition of my entire car stuffed into it. When I found it and opened it, I gasped at myself. I had two black eyes, a fat lip, and most of my face was red or purple. I started to wonder if maybe I did need to go get checked out physically.

Before I could make an executive decision on that, however, the shuttle showed up. Nobody got off, but when I stepped on, I noticed that there were about five or six students currently on the bus. Thankfully I did not recognize any of them. Unfortunately though, that did not stop them all from freaking out when they saw me. I pulled my hood up over my head and crouched down in the front row.

The shuttle driver looked right at me before he closed the door.

“Do I need to call the police for you?” he asked.

I shook my head. “No sir. Can we please get back to the college?”

He pursed his lips, and then nodded and closed the doors. I tried to ignore the other students behind me, but that became severely difficult when one of them came up and sat next to me. It was a woman, with long red hair wearing very little makeup.

“I’m not trying to pry,” she said, “so please don’t be offended. I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”

“I’m fine. Just a little fight with somebody. It’s over now.” I refused to make eye contact with her.

“If it’s your boyfriend, you don’t have to stay in the relationship, girl. There are people to help you.”

I looked up at her, the beginnings of anger starting to form in my eyes. “It wasn’t a guy. It’s really none of your business. I’m fine. I can deal with it. So please, leave me alone.”

The girl nodded, put a hand on my shoulder for just a few seconds, and then went back to her original seat.

The rest of the ride I was stuck in my own mind. I had no idea what anyone was saying about me. I was thinking about being interrogated, how awkward that was going to be. I thought about being on trial, in front of a twelve man jury, being degraded and made to feel guilty by the prosecutor. There was no doubt that if they had enough evidence, I could go down for all of this.

I made the wrong choice. That feeling would forever stay in my mind. Not the wrong choice to shoot her. She was most likely going to shoot me first. But to cover all of this up. To pretend that I was guilty of murder and hide all the evidence to avoid getting caught. To a jury, this was a no brainer.