You Are Not A Burden

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I have to repeat these words to myself on a daily basis recently.

I’ve been posting a lot of poems lately. Not every single one I’ve written, but a good chunk of them. It’s annoying because I want to save them and try and publish a poetry chapbook of my own, but I think there’s power in sharing an emotional struggle to ensure that no one ever truly feels alone in the battle with their own mental health. I feel that when we try harder to hide it from everyone, it’s when we feel the most alone and that we are a burden to those who love us.

I’ve uttered those words to my therapist a few times. “I feel like I’m becoming a burden.” It’s the anxiety/depression talking, I know. She’ll ask in response, “Who told you that you’ve become a burden?” and I have to admit that nobody has said it, that’s just how it feels. It’s crazy what a sick brain can convince you of.

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Check -a poem-

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On the outside
she looks like she’s barely trying.

On the inside
she feels like she’s slowly dying.

When would someone see
the signs of a broken girl
who’s running out of time?

Her mind – a hive
of soul-killing ideas
that she’s
unworthy,
unlovable,
unwanted,
undeniably unnecessary to anyone.

Check on your friends
who smile through pain.
Check on your friends
who work hard to maintain
some semblance that everything’s always okay
come rain, come sun, come cloudy day –

for the face they wear is but a mask
glue-filled cracks
waiting for someone to finally ask
“be honest, please, are you okay?”
so they can admit
“it’s all a display;
i’m so damn tired of being awake,
desperately looking to finally escape.”

Check on your friends before it’s too late.

Outlet -a poem-

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The car-
a space to scream:
freedom to express emotions
weighing me down every damn day.

Therapy-
a paid person to talk to:
a judgement free safe space,
faced with a fresh perspective.

Social media-
A chance to forget:
forced you to find something positive;
we share a glimpse to create a narrative.

Journal-
a place to write:
journals don’t judge, paper doesn’t poke
until you break, desperate for happiness.

Words.
We all need a place
where we can use our words
to freely feel our feelings.
In this society where we’re expected
to fake it til we make it,
what happens when you can’t?

Max capacity,
living unhappily
until we deal with it drastically:

a temporary problem
solved with a permanent solution.

In My Sleep

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I woke up this morning mad
because a God who answers prayers
didn’t answer mine.

I woke up this morning mad
because God gave me more breaths
than I wanted.

I woke up this morning mad
because God said not yet.

I’m not asking desperately to die,
and I’m not going to actually try
but everyday I ask God why
I can’t seem to feel him nearby.
I don’t know how much more I can cry.
I’m tired of looking up to the sky
waiting for a reply,
waiting for him to notify

me that it’s going to be okay someday
and these troubled times are just a pathway
to greatness that lies beyond what I can see,
but right now I just want to be free –
just not in a way that’s up to me.

I’m Sorry -a poem-

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I’m sorry
for venting
when you wanted quiet.
I’m sorry
for crying
instead of just being silent.
I’m sorry
for thinking
I had your shoulder to lean on.
I’m sorry
for relying
on the vows we agreed on.
I’m sorry
for asking
you to feel some emotion.
I’m sorry
for hoping
you’d have a solution.

I’ll just go back to keeping to myself
now that I know you don’t want to help.

I’m Not A Sore Loser, but

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I do have some feelings about it.

I struggle a lot with extremely high expectations of myself, holding myself to unreasonably high standards, needing a lot of validation from others to think I’m not literally the worst teacher, employee, friend, wife, person, etc. It’s hard to live in my head some days, especially this year where we teachers have had to stop and adjust our entire teaching methodology to continue educating in a pandemic.

This post is hard for me to write, because every way I attempt to phrase my frustration makes it sound I’m just a sore loser and I’m not happy for others, and honestly none of that is true. I am not going to share this post on my social media because I don’t need the whispers of my coworkers in the hallway or family members at gatherings spreading half-truths. I just have feelings and words and my they didn’t feel sufficient in my journal.

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Fiction Friday 1/15

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AKA – I’m on a reading kick right now!

You know what I mean. You have two phases: one where you finish one book and immediately start the next, and one where you finish a book and don’t read another one for 17 years.

In 2020, I read a whopping 3 books. Yes, THREE. Oof.

So far in 2021, I’m already up to 4! More books in 15 days than 366. That’s a reading kick for ya.

So here’s what I’ve read so far this year, and maybe I’ll do these weekly or biweekly until I abruptly quit reading once again:

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Social Media -a poem-

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I’m taking a break from fake –
I mean – Facebook.

It is fake though,
full of smiling faces,
pictures of places people go
to escape what goes on behind the scenes.

We scroll mindlessly every night,
think of how good everyone else has it
while we sit and suffer
because our life sucks in comparison.

A couple in love,
a friend thriving in their career;
we think we want what they have
because we can’t see
the bickering,
the late nights,
the feeling of being alone,
the endless debt,
the texts from another lover,
the fear of losing it all with one mistake.

Social media makes us want
what we can’t have
when in reality,
no one has it in the first place.

We can’t base our feelings
on what we see online.
I’m not going to keep making this mistake.
I’m taking a fucking Facebook break.