Tag Archives: blogging

When the Self-Doubt Holds You Back

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So often – okay, literally everyday – I find myself making the decision to not do something because I don’t think it’ll work out, I’m not good enough to do it. No one is going to like it anyway, so why bother? I’ll be honest, hitting publish on blog posts many days is a challenge, and a great post will sit in my drafts for months and months because I fear it’s not good enough.

I have a hard time feeling good about anything if I don’t get validation from it. That sounds so bad and typing it was actually harder than writing it in my journal. If I don’t get likes and comments, I should just throw it away so no one knows it bombed. I’m a failure. Why am I doing this?

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Good Enough -a poem-

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What is good enough?
Who sets the bar?
How do we know how much,
how big, or how far?

If I create the line,
then where does it stop?
Because I have so much trouble
with needing to be on top.

I struggle with lowering
the expectations I have set,
and if I miss out on something,
I’ll be stuck with the regret.

Everyday I find myself
more and more stressed out.
Everyday I’m closer and closer
to a full breakdown.

I never feel I’m good enough
for all the praise I get,
but I’m recognizing more
that it’s a flaw in my mindset.

I have to find a goal
that I can strive to achieve,
then NOT move the bar up again.
Only then, will I believe:

I am good enough.

If Your Mind Was A Mansion -a poem-

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If your mind was a mansion,
who would you allow to rent the rooms?

Sadness? As you process
the latest loss in your life:
another family member gone too soon.

Anger? You’re mad at the world
for constantly cutting and cutting
you down until you’re two feet tall
and can’t take anymore.

Fear? That things will never get better
no matter what you do or try or
change.

Anxiety? The constant thoughts
taking over your mind, shouting,
“worthless; unworthy of love;
how can we make this worse?”

Depression? Because all of the other
roommates drag you down until
there is no more sunlight peeking
through the windows.

Happiness? Bullied into the basement
by the rest, wondering when
they can come back upstairs
to turn on the lights
and show you that

you –

you get to choose who rents the rooms
in the mansion of your mind.

NaNoWriMo: A Shocking Week 2 Update

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It’s the end of week 2 of National Novel Writing Month, so you know what that means — time for an update on my students’ progress!

I promise this post will be shorter and much quicker to the point. You can recap all the information about our NaNoWriMo project in my first two posts! (One) (Two)

Once again, these is only the numbers for my students; I do not have data for the other 7th grade ELAR teachers’ students at this time, but hope that at the end I can share their numbers as well. I’m trying to figure out how to get those numbers without creating more work for my colleagues. 2020 is hard enough, am I right?

Ok, without further ado…

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On Being Hard On Yourself

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After leaving a meeting that I joined into even though I had to take the day off today, I sat here at my desk recognizing that I am literally my own worst critic. Honestly, I already knew that, but I feel like I need to keep saying it out loud to fully accept it as the truth. It’s a mindset I do not wish upon anybody, because in my mind, I am never good enough.

I strive and strive to be the best at what I’m doing. Weirdly, this does not affect me in all parts of my life. I never strived to be the best in sports – I was okay with being good enough. I never strived to be the best in school – C’s get degrees, baby. I never strived to be the best, most successful sibling/family member/friend, etc.

For me, I strive to be the best in my career: I’m a 7th grade ELAR teacher who is struggling through every part of this school year.

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NaNoWriMo 2020 – Week ONE

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Ahh, you have come back to see how my students fared in week one of National Novel Writing Month, I see. Well let me tell you, you are going to feel PROUD when you see these numbers. After a rough week in general, being able to put these numbers on the whiteboard at the end of the day on Friday made me forget some of the stressors I had faced beforehand.

This year, as I mentioned in my previous post, all of my students are participating in some way. Some are going full out, having set word count goals and are writing a larger story via the YWP website. Others are free writing, journaling, using my optional daily prompts, etc. through the month and have not set a word count goal.

My goal is just to get them to WRITE everyday.

So this year, all stats will be numbers only, no percentages. But these numbers – WHOA.

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When Your Main Character is Really Just You

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Personal post ahead, but I think others will relate.

I started a project in 2018 titled “I’m Not Ok.” It’s been very slow going because it’s honestly very emotionally dense, as you would expect a novel by that title to be. The brunt of the words were written in the fall of 2019, when I was at a pretty dark time in my life. My anxiety was at an ALL TIME high, and I (self diagnosed) fell into depression. I blame my job (I teach 7th grade) for a lot of it, but it affected my life outside of work as well.

As you can imagine, teachers in the US aren’t sitting in a pretty position currently. I live in a current “hotspot” for COVID-19, and schools reopening (or not) is the hot topic in town. Starting remotely 100% reeks of privilege, but starting face to face comes at what cost?

Everything is changing daily. The district I work for makes a plan, we start to think in that direction, and then something changes. Be it by the state, the city, or just the district. You get so used to the monotony of things being relatively the same every year, that when it’s all up in the air, it’s hard NOT to be anxious.

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Writing Through The Slow Parts

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So I finally sat down and started thinking about where my novel is going. Because I’ve been trudging through this section I’m on for DAYS and it’s been a struggle. Honestly, it’s the reason my word count hasn’t changed in days – because I DON’T WANT TO WRITE THIS SCENE.

So there are two recommendations if this becomes you.

First, you can SKIP IT! Move past it! Write the next scene that you actually want to write! Why should we spend hours and days and weeks struggling through a scene we hate? We can just add that scene later, when perhaps we can see exactly what point we need to get to. Plus, one could argue that trudging through a scene/chapter will just make for more crap we have to revise later when we’re done. It’d almost probably be easier to just add in the scene later than to revise the one you already wrote (plus, what will you have to change later in the story that you changed in your revision?). 

Struggling through a scene means we’re not enjoying what we’re writing. And if we’re not enjoying it, how can we expect our readers to enjoy that scene as well?

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The Winning Has Begun!

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It’s time for another update, and so close to the last one!

Exciting times are among us, y’all. EXCITING TIMES. I invited students to update their word counts and revise their goals, and there are some BIG CHANGES TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

I SPEAK IN ALL CAPS WHEN I’M EXCITED.

Total Words Goal:452,03361
Total Words Written:104,162
% of Total Goal22.57%

104,162 WORDS!

WHAT!? I literally cannot believe how much that number jumped just today alone!

The % of total goal amount increased significantly because quite a few students lowered their word count goals, and I had 2 students back out completely (I only asked that question to those who are falling behind on school work). 

AND THEN

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Whoaaa, We’re (Almost) Halfway Through NaNoWriMo…

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Whooaaaa, I am SOOO BEHINDDDDDD.

Screen Shot 2018-11-13 at 7.34.39 PM

It really blows because up through day 6, I was ON A ROLL. I was keeping up with the recommended word count per day everyday. And THEN the weekend happened. I came into it with every expectation of getting ahead, and then it just didn’t happen. To be honest, I slept a lot this weekend. I call it self care, though, because after the three day weekend, I woke up this morning feeling quite ready for the week.

This week is always a harrowing one at school (especially middle school). It’s the week before Thanksgiving break. It’s only a 3 1/2 day week, so keeping the kids on task is a challenge for sure. We’re wrapping up the end of a project right now, so today was not so bad. I also think my not being in a terrible Monday (but not monday) mood helped.

So before I roll into an update on my students, I’m just admitting to the world that on Day 13, I have 11,000 words (and I should have 21,667 words). I’m NOT giving up on the big goal. I am off ALL next week, and even though we’ll be traveling back to Virginia to see my husband’s family, we’re super broke so I’m pretty sure I’ll have a lot of down time to work on my novel. I REFUSE to give up on this story. It has so much potential. I’m just stuck in the slow part right now. It’s about to move on from that though so I’m going to keep trudging on until something happens.

AND NOW. For the update many have asked about in comments: MY STUDENTS! Continue reading →