Poetry is an expression
of emotion –
words specifically chosen,
and Danielle, your self-hate has created
a sense of being broken,
your happiness stolen,
an everyday internal implosion;
a hole you can’t claw out of –
all because you’ve lost your self-love.
The car-
a space to scream:
freedom to express emotions
weighing me down every damn day.
Therapy-
a paid person to talk to:
a judgement free safe space,
faced with a fresh perspective.
Social media-
A chance to forget:
forced you to find something positive;
we share a glimpse to create a narrative.
Journal-
a place to write:
journals don’t judge, paper doesn’t poke
until you break, desperate for happiness.
Words.
We all need a place
where we can use our words
to freely feel our feelings.
In this society where we’re expected
to fake it til we make it,
what happens when you can’t?
Max capacity,
living unhappily
until we deal with it drastically:
a temporary problem
solved with a permanent solution.
I’m sorry
for venting
when you wanted quiet.
I’m sorry
for crying
instead of just being silent.
I’m sorry
for thinking
I had your shoulder to lean on.
I’m sorry
for relying
on the vows we agreed on.
I’m sorry
for asking
you to feel some emotion.
I’m sorry
for hoping
you’d have a solution.
I’ll just go back to keeping to myself
now that I know you don’t want to help.
I do have some feelings about it.
I struggle a lot with extremely high expectations of myself, holding myself to unreasonably high standards, needing a lot of validation from others to think I’m not literally the worst teacher, employee, friend, wife, person, etc. It’s hard to live in my head some days, especially this year where we teachers have had to stop and adjust our entire teaching methodology to continue educating in a pandemic.
This post is hard for me to write, because every way I attempt to phrase my frustration makes it sound I’m just a sore loser and I’m not happy for others, and honestly none of that is true. I am not going to share this post on my social media because I don’t need the whispers of my coworkers in the hallway or family members at gatherings spreading half-truths. I just have feelings and words and my they didn’t feel sufficient in my journal.
Continue readingI’m taking a break from fake –
I mean – Facebook.
It is fake though,
full of smiling faces,
pictures of places people go
to escape what goes on behind the scenes.
We scroll mindlessly every night,
think of how good everyone else has it
while we sit and suffer
because our life sucks in comparison.
A couple in love,
a friend thriving in their career;
we think we want what they have
because we can’t see
the bickering,
the late nights,
the feeling of being alone,
the endless debt,
the texts from another lover,
the fear of losing it all with one mistake.
Social media makes us want
what we can’t have
when in reality,
no one has it in the first place.
We can’t base our feelings
on what we see online.
I’m not going to keep making this mistake.
I’m taking a fucking Facebook break.
Are you doing okay?
What if I’m not?
What if it’s bad?
How much can I say?
It’s a mind game
I always have to play –
do they really want to know
if I’m having a bad day?
There’s nothing they can do for me anyway
because much to my dismay –
no, I’m not doing okay.
When the students weren’t the only ones
taking home new knowledge everyday.
When he brought home a candy bar
from the gas station
even though I said, “nah I’m good.”
When I didn’t rely on others
to validate me, affirm me –
because I knew what I was doing
was my best and it was good enough –
great, even.
When I stopped sabotaging myself,
selling myself short,
stuck on the worst case scenario,
always wondering when it would all fall
apart – as though I was just summoning
those bad vibes to join me in bed
every damn night until they took control
and now –
happiness is just a memory.
stuffed to the basement
with everything else I forgot I needed.
It’s hard for many to admit: you truly do not have control over anything except for yourself. I’ll be honest, this is one thing that has absolutely wrecked me over this last year of my life. I never considered myself to be the Type A control freak. I’m way too introverted to carry that title and position. Most “control freaks” run a situation, refusing to let others take over.
I, rather, let other people run the show while I watch from the sidelines as things fall apart because I knew better but was too afraid to stand up and say anything. What happens when things don’t work out as planned? Someone has to pick up the pieces and fix it. Enter me: the fixer. I have no issues with this role. Never have.
Continue reading
So often – okay, literally everyday – I find myself making the decision to not do something because I don’t think it’ll work out, I’m not good enough to do it. No one is going to like it anyway, so why bother? I’ll be honest, hitting publish on blog posts many days is a challenge, and a great post will sit in my drafts for months and months because I fear it’s not good enough.
I have a hard time feeling good about anything if I don’t get validation from it. That sounds so bad and typing it was actually harder than writing it in my journal. If I don’t get likes and comments, I should just throw it away so no one knows it bombed. I’m a failure. Why am I doing this?
Continue readingLast year, I read about this idea that instead of setting goals and resolutions, that you instead choose one word for a new year. One word that will propel you towards your goals. It’s hard to remember a to-do list for the year. But one word? You can plaster that everywhere. Phone backgrounds, journals covers/pages, walls, steering wheels, etc.
I actually did this with my seventh grade students last year, with a list of words to help them. I had them pick 3 words, brainstorm why they wanted to choose each one, and then pick the one word that resonated with them the most. When I did my weekly check-ins, I checked in on if/how they were using that word to push them through their days. Check out their responses!
As I’ve been taking stock of the year 2020 and attempting to set some “goals” for myself, I find myself always going back to one word.
This year, I want to make sure the people I love KNOW that I love them.
But most importantly, I just want to love myself.
I mentioned in a previous post that my most used phrase in my journal in 2020 was “I hate myself.” How can you motivate yourself to make positive changes in mindset when you hate yourself? Answer: you can’t.
I like the idea that loving myself still allows me to kinda live in the moment. Some days, loving myself might just mean eating a huge bag of Hot Cheetos or drinking a bottle of wine. Others, it may be working out, making healthier food choices. I just want to change the mindset of hating myself to loving it.
I recognize it’s not a snap-your-fingers ideology. I still battle a lot of negative thoughts on the daily, but I am hopeful I can start making some positive changes to help shift that mindset. I can love myself. I will love myself.
And everyone will know that I love them too.
What’s your one word for 2021?
The Caffeinated Writer 