Tag Archives: mentalhealth

i’m here for you [a poem]

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“i’m here for YOU” you say
in front of the crowd
of teachers who can’t see
that their future will be full
of frustration
of blame
of pointed fingers
of shame 

“i’m here for YOU” you say,
but not when students skip,
not when students fight,
not when students cuss you out because
“they cuss me out all the time”

“i’m here for YOU” you say,
but not when I wanted to die…
did you care when I thought about suicide?
or were you just checking the boxes
to say you tried

                            …in case I tried?

“i’m here for YOU” you say,
but those students who destroyed me,
i’m teaching them again?

“i’m here for YOU” you say,
but can’t have a conversation
before that decision
because “budget cuts” and “certifications”
as you remind me I can look elsewhere
like that’s what you wanted all along

“i’m here for YOU” you say,
…but not for YOU, Danielle. 

Teaching in a Pandemic (I CanNOT Survive This Twice)

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Being a teacher this year has been one of the hardest experiences I have ever had to push myself through. I have written a bit on here about my journey being a 7th grade English teacher this year, amidst virtual learning, then hybrid learning, and now still hybrid but really like 80% face-to-face and 20% virtual.

Every part of this year has been so difficult. Let’s break it down.

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2020: A Year of Self-Reflection

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Even though I haven’t blogged regularly this year, I have had a post like this on my mind for the last week or so. I feel like I’ve spent many days of my Christmas vacation thinking about everything that has happened this year, for better or worse (mostly worse). 2020 was a hard year for everyone (my therapist reminds me weekly: “it’s not just you, Danielle”).

I actually spent some time yesterday rereading my journal (which I started regularly writing in in July). I had mentioned to my therapist I was afraid to read a lot of what was in there because it was so raw. There were a lot of emotions behind those entries…MY emotions. Rather, as she said (seriously how does she know everything), it gave me a chance to look back on all the challenges I pushed through this year and the progress I’ve made.

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Good Enough -a poem-

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What is good enough?
Who sets the bar?
How do we know how much,
how big, or how far?

If I create the line,
then where does it stop?
Because I have so much trouble
with needing to be on top.

I struggle with lowering
the expectations I have set,
and if I miss out on something,
I’ll be stuck with the regret.

Everyday I find myself
more and more stressed out.
Everyday I’m closer and closer
to a full breakdown.

I never feel I’m good enough
for all the praise I get,
but I’m recognizing more
that it’s a flaw in my mindset.

I have to find a goal
that I can strive to achieve,
then NOT move the bar up again.
Only then, will I believe:

I am good enough.

On Being Hard On Yourself

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After leaving a meeting that I joined into even though I had to take the day off today, I sat here at my desk recognizing that I am literally my own worst critic. Honestly, I already knew that, but I feel like I need to keep saying it out loud to fully accept it as the truth. It’s a mindset I do not wish upon anybody, because in my mind, I am never good enough.

I strive and strive to be the best at what I’m doing. Weirdly, this does not affect me in all parts of my life. I never strived to be the best in sports – I was okay with being good enough. I never strived to be the best in school – C’s get degrees, baby. I never strived to be the best, most successful sibling/family member/friend, etc.

For me, I strive to be the best in my career: I’m a 7th grade ELAR teacher who is struggling through every part of this school year.

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