After leaving a meeting that I joined into even though I had to take the day off today, I sat here at my desk recognizing that I am literally my own worst critic. Honestly, I already knew that, but I feel like I need to keep saying it out loud to fully accept it as the truth. It’s a mindset I do not wish upon anybody, because in my mind, I am never good enough.

I strive and strive to be the best at what I’m doing. Weirdly, this does not affect me in all parts of my life. I never strived to be the best in sports – I was okay with being good enough. I never strived to be the best in school – C’s get degrees, baby. I never strived to be the best, most successful sibling/family member/friend, etc.

For me, I strive to be the best in my career: I’m a 7th grade ELAR teacher who is struggling through every part of this school year.

As I’ve looked back in therapy (especially the week I made this realization, tbh it was life changing), I realize I have done this with myself in every job I have. If I’m not number one, I feel like I’m failing and I need to do more. I push myself to the brink of mental breakdown, but still keep pushing.

When I was in college, I waited tables. I wasn’t happy until I was getting the best shifts and sections. I made my introverted self so uncomfortable pushing sales to make my rank higher and higher until I chose my schedule and sections every week. I also worked in a library. I would stay late, come early, never miss a shift, do the work others didn’t want to do, because I wanted to be the go-to student worker. Sure enough my last year there I got a “promotion” and became a student leader. It took a lot of late shifts and brown nosing to get there. It was exhausting, on top of my job at Red Robin.

Now I’m a teacher, and I’ve gone through all the same scenarios. Year one was naturally a struggle in every way, but I figured by year two I would have it together. And I actually kind of did. When people ask me which year was the best overall, it was year 2. Year 3 was STARTING to go amazingly until COVID struck and all the momentum I had build up went out the window.

I’m here now in year 4 struggling with my mental health because in my head, I should be Teacher of the Year by now. I am loved by my admin and coworkers, I put my all into my students and classroom everyday, and my data (I know, eye roll) supports that I am great at my job.

But something is missing. In my head, I think, I just need to win a Teacher of the Year or something, but behind that thought is also the realization that it probably won’t stop there. I will win and think “what next to strive for?”. Besides all of that, I have no control over who wins awards. I control myself everyday, and that’s all I can do.

I’m constantly struck with this need to control everything. I’m not a full-on control freak, but an introverted one I apparently am. It’s why I naturally overwhelm myself with too many things on my to-do list, and then make sacrifices that only hurt my mental health further.

My biggest win this year was setting better boundaries. I do not work at home outside of my contract time, I schedule time in to help teachers do things they need help with.

But I am still struggling with being too hard on myself. I am so good at picking out things I did not do or did wrong before I mention something I’m doing well.

Example: meeting today. I am the first to call myself out for not doing data meetings with students yet. I did them last year and they made such a difference! But I’m still trying to get the hang of this hybrid-style of learning we have going on. The first time I tried doing them this year, I got through like 8 kids per period. I have 30 in each period LOL. Since I failed it that one time, I don’t want to try again.

By the end of the meeting, we were talking about our students doing NaNoWriMo and it’s been such a WIN for us all. Who is responsible for making that happen? Me. We talked for awhile about how great it’s been, how excited the kids are, even admitted to using the time they’re writing to write myself (and principal gave thumbs up so). But am I sitting here after that meeting thinking about how great it’s going and how I played a big role in making it happen?

No.

I’m still thinking about the things I’m not doing. I’m not using checklists everyday, I’m not doing data meetings, I’m not doing differentiated small groups. I must do better.

Like, STOP IT DANIELLE.

I think we all struggle with being hard on ourselves with different things in our lives. Work, writing, marriage, raising children, the list goes on. It’s such a struggle to just give ourselves some grace, and to also recognize that

WE ARE DOING A GREAT JOB.

All you can do is the best you can do. That looks different every single day. If we did the best we could that day, then we are great at what we’re doing. Shifting mindset is so hard. My therapist reminds me all the time: we’re trying to change behaviors we have learned. The habit is to be hard on yourself. The mindset and thoughts around it has to change, and it takes time and work.

It’s exhausting.

No matter how many people tell me I’m great at my job, I don’t believe them. They’re just being nice, I always tell myself.

No matter what you’re struggling with being hard on yourself about today, take some time to appreciate yourself and all the hard work you’ve put in. You probably are great at whatever it is, even if your mind says otherwise.