I do have some feelings about it.

I struggle a lot with extremely high expectations of myself, holding myself to unreasonably high standards, needing a lot of validation from others to think I’m not literally the worst teacher, employee, friend, wife, person, etc. It’s hard to live in my head some days, especially this year where we teachers have had to stop and adjust our entire teaching methodology to continue educating in a pandemic.

This post is hard for me to write, because every way I attempt to phrase my frustration makes it sound I’m just a sore loser and I’m not happy for others, and honestly none of that is true. I am not going to share this post on my social media because I don’t need the whispers of my coworkers in the hallway or family members at gatherings spreading half-truths. I just have feelings and words and my they didn’t feel sufficient in my journal.

They announced Distinguished Educator of the Year awards in my district on Friday.

It wasn’t me.

And I’m not surprised in the least.

I have been through the wringer this year: not just transitioning to this weird hybrid style of learning we have been doing since September, but also stuck in a battle with my mind and mental health issues. The anxiety and depression I have faced this school year has been overwhelming and there have been days I just wanted to quit and stay home and let them win. I have cried in 2/3 of my assistant principals’ offices, and numerous times in my principal’s office too, because the best way for me to cope with everything was by being so open about it with coworkers and supervisors alike. The more I try to hide it, the worse I feel.

I know I wasn’t the best teacher I have ever been this year. I don’t think I was the best teacher I could be, either, but given the circumstances, I did what I could. There are days I could’ve done more, done better, but I just didn’t have the energy or hadn’t prepped enough for it ahead of time. The teacher who did receive the title is AMAZING. Always has been. I’m so happy for her, and if I had to lose to someone, she was the one.

But knowing all of those things doesn’t take the burn away.

I have never been given the recognition I feel I’ve earned. Everywhere I’ve worked I was “almost” but not quite. “Almost” employee of the month is literally the worst feeling ever. Why? Because it motivated me to work so hard, pick up extra shifts (I was waiting tables at Houlihan’s at the time), take on extra responsibilities, etc. and what came from it? Nothing. That was my second month there, and in the other 10 I worked there, I never received the award, or an “almost” ever again.

My second year of teaching I was ON IT. The comments I received on walkthroughs and observations was worthy of the award. I was ready for it during year three, but was once again passed over, and not gonna lie – THAT ONE HURT. I cried about that one a lot. Which sounds so selfish and horrible. One of my best teacher friends – the other 7th grade ELAR teacher/my partner – was the one who received the award. I was SO happy for her. But I was so so disappointed. Because I had gotten so much amazing feedback. I was working so hard. And then nothing. It felt like that year at Houlihan’s all over again.

I AT NO POINT expected to receive it this year. Seriously. Being open about my mental health issues this year is not something I regret, because I felt it gave me a little lenience when I needed it. There’s no questioning of my personal days off for my mental health. There’s more understanding of a missed deadline. Weirdly, a comment made by one of my APs during my last mental breakdown (last Friday actually) was so positive: she refuted my claim that I was “a disaster” this year because I was so on top of everything at work, and how so many people strive to do the same. How great I am doing in the midst of everything. How I’ve never missed a lesson plan, a deadline, a parent contact.

But do you know why she could make that comment in the first place? I pour so much of myself into my job because I have to be the best. I have to be employee of the month, distinguished educator, #1.

So even though it wasn’t my award to win this year, it still hurts just a little bit that it’s not me again. I keep telling myself “next year” but it’s just a repeat of “next month/next month/next month” and never receiving what I felt was mine to have.

I’m trying to learn to love myself and not let validation from everyone else be the reason I feel good enough. But today, I just feel like I lost. It’s a wash. Start over in August. That’s not the right mindset, and it’s not one I will actually walk into work with on Monday.

I’m not a sore loser. I really am okay. My therapist says “there will always be someone better” but eventually that someone can be me, right?